Dude! Who Broke My Gundam?
by The Perpetual Lurker
Summary: What would really happen in a meeting between the Scouts and the Pilots? Will they all fall for each other? Will they work together to defeat evil? Hmm. Not on my watch!


The Sailor Moon concept belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, the English dub to DiC and   
  
CWI. Gundam Wing, according to my manga, belongs to Hajime Yadate and Yoshiyuki   
  
Tomino. This twisted excuse for a fanfiction was entirely my creation, and no blame for its   
  
existence should be laid at the door of any official parties.  
  
I will readily admit that characters may be OOC, especially the Gundam boys. There   
  
was a discussion a while back on one of the ASMR boards about what would *really*   
  
happen in a meeting between the Sailors and the Pilots.... That discussion spawned this fic.   
  
Most of my knowledge of Gundam Wing comes from reading fanfiction, so I took the   
  
characteristics that seemed most prevalent and consistent for each character and amplified   
  
them in my writing. However, since that's roughly the same tack I took with the Scouts, (yes,   
  
this is a dubfic) no one can complain of unfair treatment!  
  
Lurker 8/23/03  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
The field was wide and barren, consisting of hard-packed dirt and a few scraggly   
  
trees. A bit of wind rippled through the clearing, ruffling the skirts and hair of five girls who   
  
stood at one end. A similar number of giant metal creations stood at the other, but the wind   
  
had no effect on these figures.  
  
Lita shook her head slowly. "I don't know about this, guys. I think we may be in   
  
over our heads."  
  
"Look, Luna said there was a reading coming from this area," Raye said. "And I'm   
  
definitely picking up bad vibes."  
  
"Yeah, but look at them! They're huge!"  
  
Serena, leaning back to stare up, fell over.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Quatre radioed to Duo. "Hey. Are you sure these girls are part of the mission? They   
  
look pretty harmless to me."  
  
"Yeah, they do.... It could be a trap, though. Stay alert. Hey, Heero, what're you   
  
doing? We don't even know who they are!"  
  
Heero didn't stop as he reached for his rifle. "Hn."  
  
"We were told there'd be an enemy here. They're here." Wufei put in. "It's better to   
  
be sure."  
  
Heero drew his rifle and aimed it toward his targets. The two girls in the middle   
  
seemed to be arguing about something, and now were.... sticking their tongues out at each   
  
other? Enough of this, he thought, and fired.  
  
~*~*~*  
  
"I can't believe you, Meatball Head! You're such a clutz."  
  
"Um, guys?" Amy put in quietly.  
  
"I'm a clutz?!?" The blond in question shrieked. "Take it back, pyro!"  
  
"Guys?" Amy said again.  
  
"I will not take it back, you're being stupid. Why can't you concentrate on your job?"  
  
"Guys?"  
  
"That's it, Raye!" Serena stuck her tongue out and sent death glares toward her   
  
friend, who returned the favor with interest.  
  
"GUYS!" Amy screamed. Everyone froze, staring at her. She cleared her throat.   
  
"Um, I'd suggest we move."  
  
"Why's that?" Mina asked.  
  
"Well, for one thing, because of that."   
  
As the four girls looked where Amy pointed, they saw one of the mechs was pulling   
  
free a rifle-shaped object.   
  
"What do you want to bet that thing does exactly what it looks like?" Lita murmured.  
  
They all jumped quickly into the air, getting just missed by the blast.  
  
"That's it!" Serena yelled. "They're going down!"  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"They dodged. How did they dodge. It should be impossible for anyone to dodge!"  
  
"Chill, Heero." Duo's voice came over the speakers. "Just calm down. It's not that   
  
big a deal...."  
  
"This enemy may have resources we don't know about." Wufei said quietly. "I   
  
suggest caution."  
  
The Wing Gundam pilot wasn't listening to either of them. "They dodged. I pulled the   
  
rifle, I aimed, I shot, they dodged. What did I do wrong? Rifle, aim, shoot....."  
  
"Heero. SNAP OUT OF IT!"   
  
Deathscythe reached around to slap Wing Gundam.  
  
Heero shook his head to clear it, feeling grateful to his co-pilot.   
  
An unnatural, multicolored light was shining now, surrounding the girls. Heero could   
  
make out various shapes in the light - stars? Flames? Lightning? What was going on here?  
  
"What's going on here?" Quatre echoed his thoughts.   
  
Trowa said nothing. This was the first time he'd seen naked girls and he wasn't about   
  
to waste the opportunity. Unfortunately, the show was over all too soon.  
  
The girls were standing once again, now dressed in similar outfits of varying colors.   
  
The blond with pigtails seemed to be yelling something.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"Attacking people out of nowhere? I won't allow it! I stand for love and justice! I   
  
am Sailor Moon, enemy of the..... Hey, who are these guys?"  
  
"We don't know," Venus said. "Nobody knows, that's why Luna sent us."  
  
"What? How can I finish my speech if I don't know who they are?" Moon cried.  
  
"Just forget the speech, and moondust them!" Mars suggested. "Honestly, Sailor   
  
Moon!"  
  
"WAAAAAH!" Moon wailed. "I CAN'T FIGHT WITHOUT MY SPEECH!"  
  
As her cries got louder and louder, the mechs began to reverberate from the sound.   
  
Mercury whipped out her computer.   
  
"I don't believe it. Serena! You've hit some frequencies they seem to resonate to!   
  
Keep it up!"  
  
As the glass in the cockpits shattered, Moon stopped her crying to stare quizzically at   
  
her friend. "Huh? What do you mean?"   
  
Mercury sighed. "Never mind, it's gone now."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"What the hell was that?" Duo yelled. "I'm covered in glass!"  
  
"I knew they were the enemy!" Heero giggled. "I knew it, but you guys never listen   
  
to me.... I mean.... Uh.... Hn." He folded his arms and sulked back in his seat.  
  
Quatre engaged his outside speakers. "Please surrender, and I won't kill you."  
  
"We need to eliminate them." Trowa, having now exhausted his quota of syllables for   
  
the day, fell silent.  
  
"Agreed." Heero nodded. "Let's go."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"Did they just ask us to surrender?" Jupiter asked her friends just before she had to   
  
dodge another blast. "Hey!" She yelled. "That's no way to encourage a surrender!"  
  
"Come on, Lita. Let's double-team them." Mercury encouraged her.  
  
"Double-team.... I see!" Jupiter nodded. She raised her hands. "Jupiter   
  
Thunderclap Zap!"  
  
At the same moment, Mercury struck a similar pose. "Shine Aqua Illusion!"  
  
The water spray hit the Gundams a split second before the lightning bolts. The two   
  
attacks combined to short out most of the onboard systems. The scouts watched in glee as   
  
the five pilots were forced to abandon ship.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Heero stared in shock at his mech. Wing Gundam had smoke pouring out of various   
  
crevices, and one arm fell loose as he watched. "That's it!" He screamed. "No one is   
  
allowed to blow up my Gundam except for me! I'm going to kill you!" He pulled loose a   
  
pistol from the back of his spandex shorts, where no pistol had been visible a moment ago,   
  
and aimed it carelessly at Sailor Moon.  
  
At that moment, a tall, black-garbed figure in a top hat appeared atop Sandrock.   
  
"Menacing young ladies is no way for a gentleman to behave! Your.... Uh.... Hey, what do   
  
you call these things, anyway?"  
  
"Mobile suits," Quatre offered.   
  
"Mobile suits. Thank you. These mobile suits.... Wait, what? What kind of   
  
moralistic lecture am I supposed to deliver about mobile suits?"  
  
All ten of the audience shrugged. Heero took the opportunity to aim once more at   
  
Sailor Moon, hoping to get a shot off while everyone was distracted.  
  
"Darn. I know I was going somewhere with this...." The caped man was muttering to   
  
himself. "Mobile suits. Mobile suits. Oh, heck with it. I am Tuxedo Mask!" He shouted.   
  
"Although I know I ought to have something about justice or love in there...."  
  
Wufei, who'd had a blank look on his face until then, pulled the word 'justice' loose   
  
from the others. "Justice!" he bellowed. "Nataku!!" And he took off running across the field.  
  
Duo and Trowa caught each other's eyes and shrugged in unison.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Sailor Moon shrieked. "It's Tuxedo Mask! I knew he'd come!"  
  
"Of course he came, Meatball Head." Mars said. "Can you think of a battle where   
  
he hasn't shown up?"  
  
Moon wasn't listening. "Tuxedo Mask!" Then she heard Heero's gun go off.  
  
Tuxedo Mask hurled a rose that intercepted the bullet and veered it off course, then   
  
another to impact the pistol and split the barrel. "Hey, you're not doing it right! You have to   
  
wait until I'm in position to jump in front of the bullet and save Sailor Moon."  
  
"I don't think that'll work now, since you've ruined my favorite gun...." Heero griped.   
  
"You could've warned me, you know." He started running across the field towards Sailor   
  
Moon.  
  
"Sorry...." Tuxedo Mask shrugged. He leapt down from Sandrock's head to land   
  
near Quatre and Trowa.   
  
"Why were you up there, anyway?" Quatre asked.  
  
"It was the highest place I could find. There aren't many trees nearby."  
  
"I see." Quatre didn't.   
  
Quatre, Trowa, Duo, and Tuxedo Mask watched Heero for a moment. "Say, would   
  
you all like some tea?" Quatre suggested. "I've got a basket in the Gundam."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Sailor Moon shrank back as as the two figures came hurlting towards her. "What're   
  
they doing?" She asked no one in particular.  
  
The one in front seemed intent on some purpose of his own. "There will be justice!   
  
JUSTICE!!" He screamed as he ran past the group of sailor scouts.  
  
Venus turned to watch him run out of the field and along the street. "He's kinda   
  
cute...."  
  
Heero, on the other hand, was headed straight for Moon. "I will kill you!" He   
  
shouted.  
  
Moon shrieked and started running in circles.   
  
Jupiter watched the two for a moment. "Hey, he looks like my old boyfriend!" She   
  
joined the circle, chasing Heero chasing Moon.  
  
Mercury and Mars sighed and made their way around the edges of the battlefield to   
  
join the tea party.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"Just one lump, thanks." Tuxedo Mask accepted the teacup gratefully. "You know,   
  
it's been a long time since I've had a good, strong glass of tea.... With Meatball Head over   
  
there hanging around all the time, we're a lot more likely to have ice cream floats or Kool-  
  
aid."  
  
"I can sympathize," Quatre nodded. "When Heero comes on a mission with us, we   
  
always end up eating at McDonalds. There are only so many Big Macs one can take!   
  
Scone?"  
  
"Yes, please, and could you pass the jam?"  
  
Trowa picked up the jam jar and handed it to Tuxedo Mask, along with a knife.  
  
"You know, this is actually the nicest battle I've been in since I started," Mercury said.   
  
"I know what you mean," Mars added between bites. "For once I'm not getting beat   
  
up by monsters, and Meatball Head isn't showing us all up with her little twirly schtik. I mean,   
  
really! I can understand fire, or lightning, or maybe ice bolts being able to destroy an enemy,   
  
but somehow we can never scratch it.... But Sailor Moon can just toss a tiara at something,   
  
or bop it with a wand, and it disappears! How fair is that?" She settled back in the grass,   
  
obviously disgruntled.  
  
"Fire? Lightning bolts?" Duo asked. "Can you really do that?"  
  
"Oh, sure. Watch." Sailor Mars stood up and twirled, throwing her arms out to the   
  
sides and yelling something that the Gundam boys couldn't quite make out.   
  
A firebolt shot from her general vicinity and flew to impact Wing Gundam. The giant   
  
mech shuddered with the blow and the other arm dropped off.  
  
"Yikes." Duo shuddered as well. "Do me a favor and never point that thing at me,   
  
okay?"  
  
"WaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaah!" They heard as Sailor Moon, Heero,   
  
and Sailor Jupiter ran by, in that order.  
  
"The Doppler effect in motion," Tuxedo Mask muttered.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"I'm - tired - of - running -" Moon panted, her footsteps dragging. "Can - we - stop   
  
- now?"  
  
"I'm going to kill you!" Heero shouted from not far behind her.  
  
"Okay, that's enough." Jupiter said. "It's positively indecent that I can't find a new   
  
guy, and I'm not letting this one go!" With that, she made a flying leap, tackling Heero about   
  
the legs and bringing him to the ground.  
  
Sailor Moon fell to her knees. "Thanks, Lita. I was about to pass out."  
  
Heero, meanwhile, was trying to wedge the erstwhile Sailor Jupiter off his ankles.   
  
"Let go already! I've got a mission to finish!"  
  
"Mission? What kind of mission?" Moon asked.  
  
"I'm supposed to be killing you guys."  
  
"Uh -" Moon and Jupiter exchanged looks.  
  
"I don't think I can let you do that," Jupiter said. "You see, she's the Moon Princess,   
  
and if you kill her Crystal Tokyo will never be built."  
  
"Huh?" It was Heero's turn to look non-plussed.  
  
"Yeah. See, Sailor Moon used to be the Moon Princess, except her boyfriend's   
  
planet tried to kill her -"  
  
"It wasn't like that, Lita. Beryl was the one behind attacking the Silver Millenium -"  
  
"Yeah, but she couldn't have done it if Earth wasn't so screwed up back then-"  
  
"My prince would've straightened things out in time -"  
  
"ANYWAY," Jupiter continued, "Serena's supposed to be Queen pretty soon, and if   
  
you kill her it'll throw the whole timeline-thing out of whack. I don't know exactly how it   
  
works, so you'd have to ask Amy, but I know that's bad."  
  
Heero's eyes had grown wider and wider with every sentence. "You - you're all   
  
crazy!"  
  
"Huh? No, I'm not crazy." Moon insisted. "Venus, now, she's a little bonkers   
  
sometimes...."  
  
"She's not that bad, you know. She's just a little flighty."  
  
"Flighty? Lita, she blew up my tape recorder!"  
  
"Come on. That was an accident."  
  
"THAT'S IT!" Heero shouted. "I don't know what's going on here, but I'm leaving!"   
  
With a tremendous effort he yanked his legs free from Jupiter's grasp and jumped to his   
  
feet. "I just gotta finish my mission...."   
  
He reached behind him, feeling for his weapon. "Where's my gun?"  
  
"Maybe it's in your subspace pocket," Moon offered. "I know I lose a lot of stuff in   
  
there."  
  
"Don't be silly. He doesn't have a subspace pocket. He's not a magical girl -" Lita   
  
caught herself, then turned to Heero with a concerned look on her face. "Are you?"  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"There. So he doesn't have one. Besides, Darien broke his gun, so why would he   
  
still keep it?"  
  
Heero froze as the memory of Tuxedo Mask shattering his revolver with a flower   
  
blossom resurfaced. "Oh, bloody hell."  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
"There you guys are!" Quatre said, relieved. He came up behind the two Scouts and   
  
one Gundam Pilot with picnic basket in hand. "We were starting to get worried, so I thought   
  
I'd come find you."  
  
"Just let me kill these two and finish the mission," Heero said. "You did get the rest of   
  
them, didn't you?"  
  
"Uh.... Sure, Heero." Quatre leaned toward Moon and Jupiter, and spoke in a quiet   
  
voice. "He's got kind of a one-track mind sometimes. I don't suppose you could disappear   
  
while I distract him, could you?"  
  
They nodded. While Quatre took Heero by the shoulder and turned him about to   
  
speak with him, the Sailor Scouts quickly detransformed. When the pilots looked back, all   
  
they saw were two ordinary high school girls.  
  
"Where'd they go?" Heero looked around in panic. "Hey, do you know where the   
  
enemy went? I've got to finish my mission!"  
  
"Uh..... The doctors called." Quatre said quickly. "They're aborting the mission, and   
  
you need to get back to Headquarters for new instructions."  
  
Serena and Lita watched them go back toward the field. Quatre looking back once   
  
to wink, almost as if he recognized them. A blurred figure ran past, screaming "Justice!   
  
Justice! Justice!" Quatre sighed and reached out a hand to snag it by the sleeve.  
  
Amy, Mina, Raye and Darien walked up to join their friends. "Well, what now?"   
  
Mina asked.  
  
"I guess we go back to the temple and have a meeting." Serena said. "And find out   
  
just who it is Luna gets her information from."  
  
As the six heros of love and justice moved off into the sunset, an anguished voice   
  
could be heard floating over the trees. "ALL RIGHT, WHO BROKE MY GUNDAM?" 


End file.
